I came home from work, talked to my husband. I told my husband, why God didn't let me feel His Love while I prayed this morning in the middle of the problem I was facing. I felt I was like falling into a deep pit, and while I was trying to get myself out of there (by praying), I was even pushed deeper into it.
During my morning devotion, I tried to find God's face in my prayer, but I couldn't. As my husband told me, the way I am thinking at this time is, it is God who owes me something, not me who owes God. (very true and direct confrontation that I must admit and repent *_*) However, I failed, again and again. I ended my prayer with questions to God, "If You really exist, bring me to your joy in this midst of turmoil".
Later on in the day, as I was thinking about it again, I realized God has been giving me so much blessings recently... so much that I just took it all for granted....my husband who always loves me unconditionally, my families and friends out there, food and water to satisfy my physical hunger and thirst whenever wherever, the car I drive, all these great electronic devices I could enjoy... and not to forget this job itself and everything in it, which I am constantly having problems with. These are probably nothing for many other people...for almost everyone I know have what I have, even better ones. But what about to those that I do not know? (Wait, am I thinking too mellow?) It is not unrealistic, yet I rarely care for those people who are in much more in need than me :(. And just a little struggle has made me lose my senses, and ask God to get me out of the trouble with His so called "great miracle Love". What a spoiled little brat I am!!
It reminds me of back in the old days. When I was around 6 or 7 years old, my parents brought me to Bengawan Solo River. In the middle when we were walking towards the river, my father suddenly got trapped and fell into a deep pit with full of mud. I was crying as I was watching both of my parents were struggling in that critical moment. Thankfully, with the help of my mother, my father was able to get out of it safely. Later on my mother told me, that in that kind of situation, do not move! Because the more you move, the deeper you will get into the pit. This also reminds me of a Sunday sermon by my pastor, Tim Keller, that whenever we face a challenge, STAY PUT!
Lord, Heavenly Father, thank You. I was blind, but now I see. Thank you for Your forgiveness of my shortcomings. Guide me to believe fully in You, to submit to You, though I do not yet see You. Guide me to love You, Lord, to sincerely seek You, and not Your blessings, and to overcome this fear and anger...
Teach me to follow Your decrees, then I will keep them to the end.
Give me understandings that I will keep Your law and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward Your statutes, and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill Your promise to Your servant, so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace I dread, for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts. Preserve my life in Your righteousness.
(Psalms 119 : 33-40, NIV)
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