Life is like a dream

Today marks exactly 1 year of our marriage, our first wedding anniversary. My husband and I went to a wedding of one of his friends from his previous church.The wedding was very beautiful. The sanctuary was beautifully decorated with a lot of greens.I got to know a lot of my husband's previous church friends/members, who mostly were young people (around their 30's). I didn't expect that I would meet that many of my husband's old friends. Once we left the church, after the ceremony was over, my husband told us the story of almost all of those people that I was introduced to, such as Patrick and his wife, who used to work for CA. David, who was very smart, and able to cure himself from his nearsighted. An older man who had such a caring heart in helping others in need, and many more, that I couldn't remember all of them by names.

I was amazed by how successful his friends are, economically. Also, they looked very mature religiously. However, in the midst of these thought and feeling about his friends, I feel very blessed to have my husband. Nothing will make me happier than having him in my life. Though we are just living humbly, by the grace of God, we don't lack of anything. We are always blessed everyday with the abundance of laughter, joy, health, not too forget the food we ate, clothes we wear, and the place rented by YMM for us to stay as a start to build our family. Though sometimes I complain and want something more, but "if you only look what you can't go, you will miss the riches below", a quote from the movie Paycheck, which we just watched, as we were spending the night together today. A movie focusing in very intelligent minds, money, power, ability to see the future, and faith.

At the same night, while my soul was somewhat drained, I was opening my bible and my eyes was caught in reading Mark 13, " Signs of the End of the Age".
' As he was leaving the temple, one of his disciples said to him, "Look, Teacher! What a massive stones! What a magnificent buildings!" 
"Do you see all these great buildings?" replied Jesus. "Not one stone here will be left on another, every one will be thrown down"'

Can we, human beings, escape from the desire of having the world? I often complain why I don't have this and that like the others; or why I am in this stage not in the other that looks so much more comfortable. But what can be more pleasant than having the love from someone you love? Greed and jealousy are endless. "Heavens and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." (Mark 13:31)

Lord, Heavenly Father, turn my eyes away from worthless things, turn my heart toward your statues, and not toward selfish gain. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Preserve my life according to Your word. In Jesus' name, Amen!

The Joy and Sorrow on Easter Sunday

Today, March 31, 2013, is Easter Sunday. Although I had attended many Easter Sunday services, I felt different during and after the Sunday service today at the Redeemer. I felt both joy and sadness together. It might also because some of the hymns that were sung today, "Christ the Lord is Ris'n Today" and "Were You There?" I especially paid very close attention when I heard the song "Were You There?", as it really made my heart tremble.

Were  You There? 

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

Sometimes it causes me to tremble

  

Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?

Sometimes it causes me to tremble

Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?

Sometimes it causes me to tremble

Were you there when he rose up from the grave?

Sometimes it causes me to tremble

When I came home tonight, as I was just browsing around, I came across someone's entries, about things that make you happy and things that were painful in your life, I came to think that those 2 categories seems to be unavoidable to happen in our daily lives. Though often we feel it just like they are normal. So, at this moment, I wanted to write down both joyful and not so pleasant moment I had today, on Easter Sunday 2013.

My joyful moments today would be:
- Being able to wake up early (6:30am) after so many failed attempts lately.
- Being able to attend the special early service at 8:30am on time. (Thanks to my hubby who did all the morning preparation and even ran to the subway station).
- Hanging out with my husband at DunkinDonuts for some time before he had to head out to the other church, and I stayed to do my study while waiting for him.
- Meeting my brother, and spending some family time relaxing at his place with a very meaningful movie, "Life of Pi" and simple but great lunch and dinner together.
- Came back home safely tho it was raining, and required a little patient in finding a parking spot nearby.

My not-so pleasant moment today would be:
- Lying to a stranger at DunkinDonuts, while she suddenly asked me to get her an orange juice.  (@_@)
- Not able to help NN's parents to come to church.

Overall, though those unpleasant moments somehow bothered me quite a bit, for God's mercy, today was indeed a very blessed day.

We will exalt You, O Lord, for You have lifted us out of the depths. O Lord, You brought us up from the grave...You turned our morning into dancing; You removed our sackcloth and clothed us with joy, that our hearts may sing to You and not be silent. O, Lord, our God, we will give thanks forever. 
(Ps. 30)

First Time Baking: Bolu Kukus

I first learned baking when I was in junior high. A course called "home industry" was introduced to all students from first grade to third grade of SMP (US: grade 7 to 9). The teacher taught us to make many kinds of food, from pineapple jam, egg peanuts, salted eggs, egg noodle, and many, many more. Bolu Kukus (Indonesian steamed cupcake) was one of them, and it was one of the most memorable ones to me.

A couple of days ago, after getting all the necessary ingredients and the basic baking tools, e.g. mixer, scale, etc. I finally got to experiment again using the recipe that I found here on YouTube. It turned out pretty good with a couple mistakes I  made: by accidentally adding baking oil, instead of food color, and the taste I found it a bit too sweet. However, amazingly, they flowered up nicely.

First time made - Bolu Kukus

Last night, I did try to bake again with more confident for a second time, with less sugar. However, it turned out to come out quite the opposite with what I expected.

 

Second attempt in making bolu kukus - no smile x_x

I was screaming when I opened up the cover, seeing my cakes weren't smiling. I wasn't sure what made it fail this time. As I was carefully wiped all the tools I used to make sure they were all dry. Besides reducing the amount of sugar, the difference I made from the first time that I didn't boil the water with the steamer on top of it, since I wanted to keep it 100% dry. I wonder if that could be the reason.

Hm, I guess I just have to keep trying to make sure that I really know how to make this one of my favorite cakes. As my husband also motivated me, saying, "Practice makes perfect!" :)

Confession of A Shopaholic

Shopping is one of my biggest hobbies. When I was single, I went shopping about once a week. Shopping was like my medicine whenever I got bored or in a bad mood. I love to shop for anything, especially when it comes to clothing, shoes, handbags, etc. Back then, every time I saw something I like, things that come into my consideration were: the price, the material, and if I hadn't owned anything similar. If all three were "Yes" then I would grab and bring it to the cashier right away. I ended up having a huge collection of clothing and other stuff which I didn't get to wear them often.

After I got married, I have been learning to spend the money more wisely and carefully.With that said, I have to consider a lot more than what I did in the past when I go out to shop. My basic principle is only to spend on what is needed, e.g. food and household necessities. However, at times it is very hard for me to resist the temptation to shop again, especially when I see people dressing up so beautifully, with nice make-up, accessories, bag, and shoes. So, after a few months of holding back my desire to shop, I went shopping again yesterday, and ended up buying 2 pair of pants and a summer dress. However, after I left the store, I felt guilty for buying them. I have been thinking whether or not I should return some of them. 

There are several reasons that make me think that I shouldn't have bought them. One reason why I felt guilty was that I violated my basic principle. I bought them just because I like them; the color, the cut, the pattern were very nice on me. They are also very comfortable, and not to mention that they are in-style. Another reason was that I was afraid if my bad habit would come back. Even though I don't shop as much as before, but somehow I am still very attracted to buy new clothes once in awhile, especially during the sale season, knowingly that there are still plenty of clothes at home. Moreover, just about a week ago, I was mad at my husband for I thought he was wasting money by buying lunch outside, though that time was already pretty late, and we both had not yet ate much since the morning. Because of this selfishness of mine, I felt guiltier by buying  those new clothes for my own pleasure. So, on my way back home, I thought again about my doing in spending about $50 on those 3 new clothes, especially the dress.

On the other hand, I thought that it is normal for girls (and women too) to look charming, as lots of people advice the married women to maintain their appearance, not only for themselves, but also for the husband. However, I questioned myself if keeping up with the fashion trend is the right way to look attractive. The older generation might say that we can always look nice by dressing up appropriately, clean, and neatly, which I somehow agree. So, does it mean I should really return them though I like them so much? After I talked to my husband, and somehow confessed about this "sin", my husband graciously told me that I don't need to return them, and would like me to keep the dress for our future dates. I was so touched by his response, and decided to keep all of them as he said. Though I promised to control myself more with this habit in the future. Please help me, Lord!

All in all, after a deep thought and reflection about this issue, and how to solve this problem of mine, I was reminded by what Jesus taught in His sermon "Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" (Matthew 6:25) Moreover, the Scripture also says that, "...beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:4-5) For "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Maintaining Balance Between Work and Family

I have been thinking about how people live to maintain the balance between their work and family. In New York, most husband and wife work to fulfill their family needs. Many are even taking extra courses while working and taking care of their family. The issue is how then we, as a woman, should use our time wisely to manage our time in earning extra bucks from working outside and still be able to nurture our family.

I thought I always have a lot of time to do more work than what I have right now. However, when there is extra work comes, I always tend to get stressed out, even though my husband has always been very understanding and helpful to me. When I am in a rush, I often neglect him unintentionally. And that usually happens in the morning, especially when I was rushing to go to work (poor my hubby). But he's always so patiently caring and helping me with my morning tasks, such as making the bed and preparing breakfast for me to eat on the train. I can never thank God enough for giving me such a blessing through my husband.

Right now my activities are somehow pretty simple.Yet, I still haven't been able to manage to do all of them in my daily routine. Besides that, I am now trying to get a part/full time job, which will require a much better time-management skill and discipline in every area.

Here are a list of my activities so far:
- Doing household chores, e.g. cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning.
- Studying for pharmacy technician exam (have to take within 2 months or so)
- Doing the Church database. 
- Bible study/devotion
- Learning Chinese (under my husband's teaching)
- Sunday School preparation
- Teaching piano

So, what if I
- wake up at 7am,
- 1 hour - morning devotional time(+Chinese learning)
- 1 hour - preparing for the day + breakfast + dinner menu
- 3 hours - Study pharmacy exam  (9-12pm)
- 30 mins - break
- 1 hour - Study pharmacy exam again (until 1:30pm)
- 2 hours - Church Database (until 3:30pm)
- 1 hour - teaching piano
- 5pm - start cooking
- 8pm - dinner time
- 9:30pm - shower
- 10pm - Night devotional time
- 11 - Free time (Sunday School Prep / Reading / internet / etc)
- 12 - bed time

Hm... looks pretty good. Let's see if I can keep up with this schedule starting next Monday. However, there are still little things that I must do next week, including interview preparation, choir practice, and car inspection.

Hopefully I will have enough discipline to do all these in spite of little unplanned things that might come up in between.

Lord, though I am weak, but You are strong. Please give me Your strength to do all these tasks in my daily routine with the joy from You alone. With a humble heart that I may follow Your guidance to live according to Your will. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Sinning Against God

Today during the worship time at CCCNY, I somehow could not concentrate to listen to the whole sermon, since my mind was wandering off about half of the time for several reasons. And one of them was when I heard a cell phone ringing during the sermon, and then it was accidentally put on speaker for about 3 seconds, when the lady tried to answer it. My eyes reflexively got drifted to where the voice was from, thinking "Who is that? Didn't she know that she's in a church?" One second later, I turned my head back, trying to bring my focus back to the preacher’s message. But again, this time I got caught by the sight of someone who's sitting in front of me. She kept staring at the cell phone lady. At this moment, I was grumbling again at her in my heart, "Why do you keep staring at her? Like you have never made a mistake." However, shortly after, I was being questioned in my heart as well, "Why do you keep on judging others?"

What shall I conclude then? Am I any better than the other two women?

Let's think about it thoroughly, who in this situation is better than the others. Looking at it from one point of view, I think I am quite alright here, even though I do make mistakes too sometimes. First of all, I always put my cell phone on silent before walking into a church, and never answer a call during a sermon. Secondly, I didn't give a hatred look when I looked at the cell phone lady. So, I would say I was pretty considerate and forgiving. However, based on my first reactions to both of the women, it was not an act of forgiveness, especially to the second woman. I was judging her based on my own "goodness". Jesus has taught, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2) But does it mean that we are not allowed to judge at all? How could that be possible? For example, when I am buying something, first thing I do is comparing one to the others; then I take whichever I think is best. Here is judgment taking place. It is the same way with choosing friends. As Psalm 1:1 says "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers." So we do have to judge who is wicked, sinners, or mockers. The problem now is how we make the right judgment in every situation.

 Jesus said in John 8:16, "But if I do judge, my decisions are right, because I am not alone. I stand with the Father, who sent me." So, the only way to make correct judgment is if we stand clearly with God. It is right for the woman in front of me to stare at the cell phone lady the way she did, as she knew a careless mistake, such as forgetting to turn off the cell phone, was not only disturbing others, but on top of that, it was completely disrespectful towards God. It shows that she wasn't serious about being in a church, in the house of God. Everyone should revere God more than anything else, as He is the King of kings. Imagining if we are before a king in a serious meeting, which at the end the King will proclaim His decision that whoever pleases Him will stay alive, and those whom He condemns will receive death penalty. There is no second chance. We all would certainly behave very differently than how we usually do. We would do everything and anything to please the King, so that He would let us live. However, if in the middle of the meeting when the King is talking, and all of a sudden our phone rings, then we could probably guess what we would deserve later at the end.

Moreover, when I reflect again about my initial thought towards those two women, I realized that my judgment was not reverent to God, for I seek to please myself, instead of Him. It is my pride, jealousy, and possibly hatred, which led me to self-righteousness. If all three of us were in the judgment room, I would have certainly deserved no more than what the cell phone lady deserved, for my crime which was unknown to men, was committed exclusively against God. It was not about forgiving others by being considerate. In this circumstance, I was guilty with my thoughts to take God’s place in deciding who should or shouldn’t be forgiven. All in all, I shouldn’t have let my surrounding take away my heart and mind during the worship service in the first place, and with a humble heart shall I enter His presence.


Against you, you only, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. (Psalm 51:4)

船到桥头自然直

I just found this old Chinese saying from a blog that I follow.

"船到桥头自然直" (Chuan2 dao4 qiao2 tou2 zhi4 ran2 zhi2). 

Its meaning is similar to "God will provide" or "Everything will be fine at the end".

Parking Ticket

Yes, I got a parking ticket! (T_T) Something I definitely don't feel proud about. Every time I see an orange envelop on my windchill, my heart sinks. The feeling of anger, hurt, sad are all mixed together. I  don't know how I should react in a couple of minutes, since I've got this so many times. :(
Here are when I got the tickets (that I could remember so far)
- Parking without paying the meter (thought it was free on that day)
- Double parking (tho it was only for 10 seconds)
- Parking too close to the hydrant (this is the most reason I get the ticket)
- Parking in "No Parking" area (only certain vehicles allowed)
- Forgot to move the car when it's time for street cleaning
- Forgot to feed the meter (I might not get this one, but don't quite remember)
- Talking on the phone while driving
- Not making a full stop on a "STOP" sign (it's my brother)
- Blocking pedestrian way


But what should I do to not ever get a ticket again? It is the worst and most stupid way of wasting our money. And I want to learn my lesson, and not to get anymore ticket, if possible for the rest of my life.

So this is what I have learned so far. When I got a ticket, I was usually:
- in rush
- too tired to look for other safer place to park, and thinking it should be okay, which is it SHOULD NOT!
- thinking that lots of others do the same, and I never see a ticket on those cars. (very unwise!)
- getting caught up with something and forgot when it's time to feed the meter or move the car (should get a reminder all the time!)
- driving angrily (this can cause other worse things to happen than just a ticket, so better be grateful if you just got a ticket because of this. So, got to try to release your anger first before you start driving. Here I say "try" because I know it is almost impossible to let out an anger in a calm way in just a few minutes. But when you try, you will at least have some consciousness left in you to keep you drive safely.)

Therefore, to avoid all those things, it is always better to:
- learn to manage the time wisely
- be ready in your heart to park further
- don't be greedy to want the closest parking spot to your destination. Be grateful that you still have legs to walk without any problem.
- don't look at others who don't get a ticket when they violate the rules. It is for God to judge, and we should never put God to test.
- ALWAYS pray before we start moving the wheel. It is only by HIS grace we are what we are, and we have what we have. For we often violate HIS law, and He is so forgiving to us. But we always have to remind our heart to obey HIM and may HE, himself, guides and provides us with wisdom and heart to drive responsibly.

Thank you Lord for all these tickets. So many times I have violated Your laws, but You are still so merciful to me. Please guide my heart to obedience to YOU that I may always drive safely and responsibly, and even when I park. In Jesus' name, Amen!

About writing

Do you think it is easy to write? I find it very time consuming to write just a short one. Although I knew what I wanted to write. But once I wrote it on the first sentence, then I am out of words. I didn't know what to write anymore. And yet, I am still eager to express more, as I hope writing will somehow help me sort my thoughts and feeling.

Thinking back to my school years, I found writing was one of my favorite works to do. I could write so much without much difficulties.
 
When I got into college, it wasn't as easy as it's used to be. It is probably because I had to write in a language I was not familiar with, since my English ability was very, very limited. But now, I am more familiar with English (I supposed), and yet I am facing another obstacle. I never write as much as I used to anymore. At least, when I was in school / college, I was assigned to write in a regular basis, which left me no choice but WRITE, WRITE, and WRITE! However, the situation is different. I am done with all those stressful assignments, and wish not to have it again. It is not because it was difficult. It is because of the pressure, especially in writing class. The topic was not so easy for me to grasp. It could be the culture differences that I hadn't yet fully adapted. So, sometimes I had to cheat a little bit, by googling here and there, sometimes just to get the a more understanding and ideas, but sometimes also for the wordings. Big thanks to my professors, who were so understanding, and let me pass with a "B".

Now time has passed. I didn't have to go thru the hardship of passing those writing classes again. I now could write freely. And as my English has surely improved by the longer I am now in the US, plus I must communicate with my closest beloved one in English, it should be easier for me. But I guess it is not the case. So, what is it then? It is about expressing my thought and feeling.

When I think of something I don't know what the answer is, I'd like to put it into writing. Hoping my finger would just keep writing with my mind wondering, trying to find the solution. But does it work that way? Yes, if I write right away what I have in mind. But often, the thoughts come when I am nowhere that I could write, such as when I was in conversation with someone. It is certainly impolite to excuse myself, ignore the other person whom I am talking to, and just do my writing. I had to wait a little bit until the opportunity comes. And when it comes, the writing desire's gone. How should I cope with this then?

I think it will be half of self desire in the area of topics, and half of it is the writing method I have learned during my school and college years.
Step 1: Write down in a very brief sentence on a piece of paper, or on the phone, or even on the palm as soon as you know what you would like to write about. It could be a question, a disagreement, or even a process of things that should be put down in writing as a reminder for future needs.
Step 2:  Bring up all the reasons that bring up this particular topic.
Step 3: Start writing as soon as you can. It is not about how much you write. But how much you understand of your own writing, that others may understand it as well.

Okay, it is now pretty clear to me. Even though I am not sure if I would be able to even do the first step to start my writing habit. But I will give it a try, and do my very best for the sake of my future self.

(Yes, you can do it!! ^-^v)

Living a Holy Life

When do we usually think of God? When we are at Church or on the street? When we are in deep distress or great happiness? When we have to make an important decision? Regardless of what brings our hearts and minds to Him, have we valued God as we should in our lives? As the Bible tells us and Rev. Lin reminds us every Sunday that the greatest commandment of the Law is to “…Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) Surely this is not an easy task for anyChristian to carry, for I have learned that to love God, the One and Only, is the hardest of all.  Some people try to apply this by praying and asking God before making their decision in every single thing they do. Does it mean that in that way they love God entirely? Or should we just go with the flow, live our lives happily, do “good” to others, and believe that God is with us? I find myself often thinking and struggling what the right way is to live in Him, thru Him and for Him alone, our merciful and gracious Lord.

When I open my eyes in the morning, I say to God “Good Morning, Lord!” Then, often times, my eyes close again.  While my mind is still numb, and I am still lying comfortably under my blanket, wishing to sleep for a little more, which I usually do, I end up getting up later than I planned. When I regain consciousness, I start to remember things I have to do that day. I become hurried and anxious if I am not able to fulfill my tasks that day. But how about prayer?And spending some time with God as the very first priority to start the day? Do I have to? When this question comes to me, a couple of times, I found myself bargaining with God, asking God for His mercy and understanding. Since I am in a rush to work or run some errands, I can pray while I am brushing my teeth, right? Or when I am waiting for the bus/subway to come, isn’t it the same? And isn’t that way actually more efficient too? Isn’t prayer a communication just between your heart/soul and God? Then, does it make any difference if I pray by kneeling down, or lying on my bed? For Mother Teresa also said, “You can pray anytime, anywhere. You can pray at work – work does not have to stop prayer and prayer does not have to stop work.”  And the Bible says that God loves me unconditionally, so He will always be with me no matter what is going to happen later that day. Will my prayer effect God’s will? If I pray seriously, ask God for His blessing that day, doesn’t it just show that I lack faith? So, would it be better off to just start work immediately, pray alongside or in between, when something comes up and just pray for His guidance for that particular thing? Since whenever I spend devotional time in the morning, I often just ask Him the same thing, with almost the same words. It feels more like a ritual rather than real communication with God. Also, as a human being, I will never be able to avoid sinning even though I always pray for God’s guidance to keep me away from temptation. So, what is the use of prayer in the morning to start the day then? Asking God for a smooth life? These questions kept going on. And I believe you could guess which way I chose that day.  Yes, I gave up praying and just walked out of the house. That day went on pretty smoothly, nothing bad happened. But then my heart somehow did not feel right. There was no joy or peace, though I tried to smile. I became frustrated easily and angry at things that should not matter at all. Then I realized I didn’t walk with God that day, and had expected God to walk with me instead. I could plan my activities very carefully with my backup plans all prepared, but life is not as it seems. I have learned that it is only by giving up our lives to the Lord that we may gain the true happiness in Him; achieve real success in life.But often we only ask God to give us what we want and neglect to give Him what He wants. Then, I understand how important it is to spend time alone with God, in prayer and reading His word to start the day. It is not to seek a good life according to our perspectives, but to walk with the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). No one knows what will happen an hour from now. But He has showed us what is good, that we may act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him. (Micah 6:8) Morning prayer is just like presenting ourselves before the King for His guidance to lead us in what we should do that what we do may bring glory to His name. It may take only 15 or 30 minutes for some people, some may need much longer time to seriously seek His will in us. So, when I read Micah 6:8 again, I realized that all the questions that I brought up earlier, trying to reason with God about prayer, was very selfish of me. I was being disrespectful to God.

Often when I pray, once I say “Father in heaven…”,then  I find myself in silence for some time since I do not know what to say or to ask. I am not someone who is very good with words, especially in the morning. And I am still struggling to fully trust Him.  But God knows me by name. He perceives my thoughts from afar. And before a word is on my tongue, He knows it completely (Psalms 139). Though my prayer only contains silence, God sees what is deep inside my heart. That moment is the time when God opens my heart, to guide me, strengthen me with His love “For I know the plans I have for you, “ declares the Lord “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13) Therefore, there is no excuse for me to not spend time to read the Bible and pray every day, morning and night, no matter how busy, or exhausted I am. It is not a waste of time by just kneeling down and having a silent moment with God.   It is the first step that I can take to love Him and to trust Him. God knows everything we need, such as rest, food, love, understanding, etc., so “…seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)